On Love and Violence

First things first - cause they just can't go second, - Watch "The Human Experience," a captivating documentary filmed by my friend Chuck Kinnane of Grassroots Films. (www.grassrootsfilms.com). It shows one of the most meaningful ways of gaining perspective - shared experience.

Let's examine a way in which we share experiences: Sympathy and empathy. A short explanastory (yeah, I made that up). Your friend is in the hospital for an appendectomy - you send a get well card - or sympathy card. You feel badly for them and hope for a swift recovery. You still have that defunct organ and really don't know why, but neither have you experienced the process of having it surgically removed. On the other hand, there is no such thing as an empathy card, or at least I don't think it exists (someone contact Hallmark!) But when we know the troubles of life that one is facing because we have actually been there before, we can communicate our real understanding. Empathy  "most often refers to a vicarious participation in the emotions, ideas, or opinions of others, the ability to imagine oneself in the condition or predicament of another" (Webster's). Shared experience can be the best teacher and give the best understanding.

In "The Human Experience," the Azize brothers came from a family of alcoholism and abuse. These evils surround me every day. In a way, they are job security - terrible as that may be. Violence in the home has many ugly faces.  Because emotions flow from the same chemicals in the body, it seems that where there is love, there can also be hate. The extremes go together. We just don't really care about the people we don't care about. But when we have a relationship with another, that intimacy can manifest love or hate, or even both. The cycle of violence seems to be rooted in the basest nature of man's free will. And at this root, we want to find the good in people - even in those who would use and abuse. But that also can perpetuate the cycle of violence. When a battered spouse forgives, and transfers blame, we ask why. For them, there is no asking, at least not anymore. So the stages- Tension building, Acute Battering, Honeymoon Stage - continue; then start all over again. 

It can be difficult to see this cycle of violence turn over and over like a hamster turning its wheel. Why, just this morning I came in to find one half of a pair of wheel turners that are known all too well to me, sitting comfortably in the holding area. It was no surprise. The problem for me is that I know that I can't really help anymore. Not with some explanation. No more savvy relationship tips. Not even an explanation of the process of the courts will work - they've been there, done that. I do what I must to stop the immediate violence, then just wait for our next response -and with it the danger for me grows. It's the complacency toward man's destructiveness and hatred that bothers me - but is also somewhat essential in my psychological longevity. 

So what do I take from this? How has this formed my perspective? Well, I believe that I understand love and violence a little better than the average bear. I have learned some coping skills that help me and that I employ in other interactions in my job. And I haven't given up all of my hope in man. For many there will be a time to start over. To grasp at the reaching hands of love around them - hands that  may not be seen while clouded in their own distress. And perhaps I can be that hand - the last one offered, when all others have been withdrawn after years of being unseen or rejected.  Can you be the one with an outstretched hand - reaching out in love to catch your fellow man who is falling? I think you can.